The last real week of my junior year. Damn. Next year, I’ll be a senior and everything will become more stressful while time goes by faster. Its crazy to think that the people who were there your freshman year, aren’t. And the people who weren’t, are now. I’ve changed, I’ll admit it. At times for the worst and others for the best. I’ve grown and pushed myself beyond my limits. I’ve cried myself to sleep and looked forward for tomorrow. It’s scary how much things can change when I thought that every day was the same. I don’t regret a thing, honestly. I’m glad it ended up like this. I don’t have a best friend at the moment and it is okay because friends don’t last forever. However, I have a family even though it’s extremely distant and dysfunctional at times. I love them. For me, high school wasn’t all about getting good grades. It is about how far I could go. It’s about who I will become. It’s about who I am now. I used to be in a rush to grow up but I’m not now. It’s not because I’m scared or dread the responsibility. It’s because I value my childhood and I LOVE being a kid. Being done with this school year is bittersweet, but I wouldn’t want my life any other way.

I always complain on how I have no one really there for me and tonight made me realize why. I’m a horrible person. I’m emotional, unpredictable, bipolar, manipulative, and expect too much. I don’t mean to be. I don’t mean to push away the people I care about or be rude to them. It’s a flaw I have and I wish I was different. I wish I wasn’t so messed up. I wish I was more patient and forgiving. I wish I was stable. Maybe that’s why I lose people. Maybe that’s why they do horrible things to me or leave. Maybe it’s because they can’t tolerate me anymore. I don’t blame them. It hurts but I’m not mad. Maybe I’m just meant to be alone, to have no one. Maybe I’m meant to just hurt myself instead of those around me because they sure as hell don’t deserve it. I’m sorry.